As a fake French person, I have a lot of hobbies. These include eating processed croissants from Aldi’s. Tasting wine by sucking it through my nose. Wearing a beret to bed and for naps.
A lot of people recognize me as a fake French person when they hear how I speak English, with a slight French accent. This adds to my charm. Obviously.
I have also found that a baguette makes a perfect key chain holder. I rarely loose my keys, unless I am out somewhere, not having eaten lunch. Then I am forced to eat my key chain: the baguette.
In order to increase authenticity, I have made a spreadsheet of all of my friends. It is based on a point system, where each friend who is French gets more points. Then, my friends who are married to French people also get points. The people who are not French or not married to anyone French, but do speak some French, get a few points. If you have no connection to France you are put in a column called “The Danger Zone.” I know these friends will not bring me any French status so I am careful not to hang out with them too much. Unless it is the fourth of July. If it is the fourth of July, all rules are inversed and all America born people get tons of points on my friend spreadsheet. If you are wearing an American flag swimsuit, you get even more points. If it is a speedo and you are running in the Turkey Trot, you get points and I also give you a handmade sweater because you look a little cold to me. I find this spreadsheet useful when I am wondering what move to make next in my social hemisphere. In this way, I operate like someone who has old money and lives in New York City at the turn of the century.
At this point in the essay, you might be wondering one thing: “What happens when the baguette key chain gets stale?”
Good question. I’m glad you are reading so attentively. The answer is simple and I will use rhetorical questions to increase the time I am talking and decrease the time you are talking because I can kind of see from your face that you are going to want to talk more than me. This has turned into a defensive conversation where I have to defend my allotted time for talking.
So, here is my answer, please don’t interrupt me.
Have you ever been hit over the head with a stale baguette?
I can see you are nodding and your mouth indicates you have a story about this experience but I’m still not done talking.
Well, as you know, baguettes, when stale, cause concussions. So, therefore, my keychain is also a handy street weapon.
Okay, I think that clears that up. I’m just about to go take a nap, so I need to put my beret on. I know that you want to tell me a story from your own life, but I’m sorry I have an appointment with my beret. A plus dans le bus.