Bienvenue a 10 Rue de Cerisier, ma maison.

Hello, dear 428 followers.

IMG_0326Two days ago, I was a simple French-American and by “French-American,” I mean an American who wants to be French.  Then, all of a sudden, you guys all showed up because maybe you saw me on Freshly Pressed and, then, this blog suddenly became a party!

And, now, as I’m getting everyone some drinks and some of this President cheese and butter Vincent just brought home today from a secret cheese source that we have (try the butter on the cheese, it’s really good and super healthy), I’d like to just take a quick moment and say, merci!  And, please don’t spill anything on the carpet.  No, really, it’s velour and it’s new.  Very expensive.

IMG_0454Now, that you are here, trapped in this blog, I’m going to start playing some Zaz (listen here, but promise, you’ll be back! ) and introduce you to people who you might fall in love with because after all this is a French party and a French party doesn’t end until people fall in love.  Well, actually, in my studying French animations on the internet, a lot of French stories end with death, but hopefully that will not be how this ends.  I’ll hand out some helmets, just to make sure.

FullSizeRender 2I’ve included a couple photos.  You’ll notice one very impressive one.  It’s the one with the yellow.

Yes, I am the newest member (and most enthusiastic) of the Alliance Francaise!  Oui, oui, that’s right.  They scouted me out.  Well, first they made all these people write essays and read a short monologue and then asked us to spell four words–mine were super hard, but je suis tres intelligente and when you think about it, “bathroom” isn’t that hard once you sound it out.  Anyway, they offered it to me after this intense competition.  And by offered it to me, I actually mean, I had to go on their website and pay money for it.  However, je suis tres contente!  

They sent me this very exclusive literature and I start actual French classes with actual French people in two weeks.  Oui!  I am going to be taking a lot of notes.  My favorite decade in French history was the 1980s because that’s the decade most of my French textbooks have photos from.  You can learn a lot about style from 1980s French photos–for instance, the French do preppie super well.  Next time I go to France, I’m going to buy a lot of polos and wear a sweater casually around my neck and I will definitely be wearing Levis.  Perhaps, this is the outfit I’ll wear to the first day of my French classes to show that I’m a true insider.  People will probably be taking notes about me.  People will probably be like, “Why in the world do you have that slight American accent?  You are clearly the most French person here.  Oh mon dieu, look at you, you’re eating a roll of brie and is that a baguette in your backpack?  Oh wait, no, you’re backpack is a baguette.  How original.  How French.”

Yes, that’s probably what’s going to happen.  I’ll have to wear some sunglasses or a visor to disguise myself.

Anyway, welcome to ma maison.  Please have a seat and feel free to tell me interesting French music you like as I slightly turn my own music up a little bit louder so I strangely can’t hear the sound of your voice. IMG_0458

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I can’t hear what you’re saying because I’m listening to an inflight movie.

IMG_2354Oh hi!  I haven’t seen you in forever.  I really like your new temporary tattoo.  That must have hurt.  Oh and I also see you’ve adopted a child.  Neat.

Well, anyway, we could talk about your new adoption all day, but let’s be serious, we didn’t come to this expensive farm to table restaurant to drink this Steel City whiskey and listen to your unbelievable life change that you can never really undo. We obviously came here so I could wear this new belt out in public.  Oh wait.  I mean, so we could chat and by “we chat” I really mean me talk and you nod.

Anyway, it’s been forever because I’ve been traveling.  Yes, traveling–like going on an airplane–do you know what that is?  Oh okay, just making sure, because not to be an elitist but I am a frequent flier in both Southwest and Delta’s programs–so I’m kind of like really . .. you know . . .I go places.  A lot of places.

These places include France.  When I say that do you know where I’m talking about?  You may have heard of their revolution or the resistance?  You may be studying them in your classroom at that boarding school you go to on the weekends for adults.  Yes, I thought you might have covered it already.

Anyway, I was in France and it was francetastic.  No one really minded that I couldn’t speak French and it was very fun listening to the sounds of syllables.  It’s really quite stimulating to be involved in a conversation where you’re not quite sure what you’re agreeing with.  I just kept saying “Je suis d’accord” and hoped for the best.  Another strategy was to talk about the food quite a lot.  Whenever there was a pause in conversation, I’d just slyly say “Le vin est tres bon.”  That would slow these Frenchers down a bit.  They’d also pick up that I knew good wine when I was drinking it.  Yep.  They knew.

IMG_2391This cool thing keeps happening to me now that I’m a bit serious with Vincent.  People say, “You look French.”  I love hearing this.  For one thing, it’s a serious compliment.  It’s like saying you’re not actually a butterfly, but for a moment, I thought you were–like the way you turned your head.  I can see you’re still a caterpillar, but just in this light, you could pass for a butterfly.  I take it as a sincere compliment every time it happens to me and I write it down in this little journal I keep with me.  I mark it off in my “achievements” category.  So far these include: 1. making it through high school 2. not ordering a blizzard at DQ 3. being an AirBNB host 4. having read 36 books this year.  5. looking French.

I did study the French.  DISCLAIMER: if you are French and are reading this (one, I should add that to my achievements list), then know that every time I hang out with you I am silently admiring your style and also probably am very impressed with how moderate you are.

IMG_2443After being in France, I realize how beautiful simplicity can be.  The food we ate was unlike any food I’ve ever had.  It was French ambrosia.  Vincent’s family made us the most delicious meals and they were so healthy and good.  Also, it’s nice because I wasn’t eating meat at that point and they made a special point of serving a lot of non-meat food.  Remarkable.  It was so good.  We ate this rice with pineapple and cashews and then these fresh tomatoes with eggs at a fresh water mountain lake.  Oh wow.  C’etait extraordinarre!  Also, for desert we often ate yogurt which I love and I love more in France because the French understand food.  It must be of good quality.  Wowsa.  Delicious.

I feel very excited to go back there next summer and I hope every year after that.  I also have to say how much I love AirFrance.  If you have a different opinion of AirFrance, I’m really sorry to hear that and will not at this time allow you to express this opinion but instead talk over you and look away so we are not making eye contact and you will eventually give up, but anyway, I love it.  They are so stylish and neat and they serve wine and champagne and it’s so comfortable and of course everyone’s slightly afraid that the plane will go down over the ocean, but you know you don’t worry about it when you’re so calm in the air with these flight attendants who speak so many languages and it made me wonder if I should become a flight attendant because how neat would that be.

IMG_2351Anyway, I start French classes soon.  Vincent’s French club is gaining momentum and now I must run as I have a much more important meeting than this dinner at my podiatrist’s office.  Please tell Jakob, our server, that the fried mussels did sound delicious and this whiskey does really taste like Buffalo’s rebirth, but I need to go have my feet examined.  I have high arches, you see.